Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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