So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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