adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
