Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
