i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
