Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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