I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
