if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
