i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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