My balls are so social today.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
