She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
