I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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