my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
why didn't you poke me back
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
