at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
