i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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