I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
