wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
