This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
