The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
