My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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