This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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