The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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