did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
