I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
