We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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