Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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