Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
