can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
