I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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