So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
