She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
