I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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