so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
