Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
