I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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