Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
my poor anus
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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