Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
