The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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