i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
