so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
