I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
