There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
