Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The uberlube is also flammable
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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