She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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