By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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