was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
