my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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