Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
