Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
