My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
