My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
