he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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