i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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