You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
