It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
