I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
